sighs...i damn sakit hati just now...but now kinda calmed down a bit after ranting...i'm sorry kak bailah, who had to listen to my rants and well i dun bother about MH since he wasn't of much help when i ranted.
i think it was all the stress compiled together and a few small things suddenly made me blow...it was really damn stupid a trigger but yes, it triggered something deep inside me, bad enough to make me cry non stop.
firstly, a friend that i really really care about said something well not so nice and i mean i don't blame her because that's her. I guess i just couldn't take it anymore? Well not that too...it was that moment i couldn't take it anymore. I had virtually no intention of mentioning anything or asking her to comment on anything...it was just that i wanted to show her a nice picture. The reply from her was the limit. I couldn't take it (her pride maybe?) anymore and because i really don't want anything to hurt this friendship, i choose to ignore. However, she kept pushing...i already typed out the actual words i felt like telling her because i don't want to lie to her but yet i know those words would hurt the friendship so i deleted them all and never sent them. For 3 times i told her i don't want to comment because it will make her mood bad (i know because i've experienced it before, telling her something i really felt and ended up being filled with guilt that i made her sad). I didn't want to say what she wanted to hear either because it would be fake and like i said, i don't want to lie to her. IGNORING, was what i felt, the best way to forget this minor thing that would maybe change things for the both of us forever.
She's smarter than me, a lot, in many ways and i know it for a fact. Being as human as i am, i love to make people happy but somehow i had other things to worry and not wanting to put my baggage on another's shoulders, i decide not to share anything that would make them worry or stress for me. I didn't want to burden her with my worries and i know she doesn't like it (well most of the time she chooses to ignore anyway). But one can only take so much luggage on their shoulders. Keeping my own and listening to her rants plus trying to give her positive comments had drained me. I can only do so much for her as a friend. Words of "you think you can influence me mer?", "don't ask me to go sleep" or "no one can make me study except myself, not even for my mom" is like okay each time i hear them but after a while, those hurts compile and well the hurt file gets bigger. To me, I was just trying to be nice..
I think i need to recuperate for a while and collect back my emotions before i actually start talking to her again. I've been pondering over this matter for quite a while subconciously and now the problem has finally surfaced for me to know i must do something...i don't know what...
Second was that i was so close and yet i missed rw on the radio. i just missed it by not even 5 minutes...maybe a few seconds? Sighs... and the worst part was finally being able to find the icon and after clicking on it, hear a "Annyeonhikaseyo" from Kangin, the DJ who left the studio with ryeowook and sungmin. IT WAS LIVE...and there was a video and F*** i missed it...I MISSED EVERY DAMN THING...i mean to some people it's not a big deal cause well i dl videos and i can dl that episode of it anytime to watch but THAT WAS LIVE, if only for like a second also i would have been contented. In the end, i got nothing except that feeling that i wanna cry when i look at that webpage.
Third, due to serious complications in this event, i am stressed. No one to tell this stress to, and yet having to worry and decided what to do next without even being able to tell if this event can be successful...
One can only take so much at a time...
I am giving myself every reason to be stressed and depressed and cranky. I haven't done it in a long time. I need to let it all out. You may think i'm unreasonable, i don't care. I don't care about pretty much everything right now because i've always been this nice person...so much so that it wouldn't hurt to let me be bitter for one night. I know i'll be fine tomorrow but till then, leave me alone. i need to sleep to forget this nightmare ever happened.
i think it was all the stress compiled together and a few small things suddenly made me blow...it was really damn stupid a trigger but yes, it triggered something deep inside me, bad enough to make me cry non stop.
firstly, a friend that i really really care about said something well not so nice and i mean i don't blame her because that's her. I guess i just couldn't take it anymore? Well not that too...it was that moment i couldn't take it anymore. I had virtually no intention of mentioning anything or asking her to comment on anything...it was just that i wanted to show her a nice picture. The reply from her was the limit. I couldn't take it (her pride maybe?) anymore and because i really don't want anything to hurt this friendship, i choose to ignore. However, she kept pushing...i already typed out the actual words i felt like telling her because i don't want to lie to her but yet i know those words would hurt the friendship so i deleted them all and never sent them. For 3 times i told her i don't want to comment because it will make her mood bad (i know because i've experienced it before, telling her something i really felt and ended up being filled with guilt that i made her sad). I didn't want to say what she wanted to hear either because it would be fake and like i said, i don't want to lie to her. IGNORING, was what i felt, the best way to forget this minor thing that would maybe change things for the both of us forever.
She's smarter than me, a lot, in many ways and i know it for a fact. Being as human as i am, i love to make people happy but somehow i had other things to worry and not wanting to put my baggage on another's shoulders, i decide not to share anything that would make them worry or stress for me. I didn't want to burden her with my worries and i know she doesn't like it (well most of the time she chooses to ignore anyway). But one can only take so much luggage on their shoulders. Keeping my own and listening to her rants plus trying to give her positive comments had drained me. I can only do so much for her as a friend. Words of "you think you can influence me mer?", "don't ask me to go sleep" or "no one can make me study except myself, not even for my mom" is like okay each time i hear them but after a while, those hurts compile and well the hurt file gets bigger. To me, I was just trying to be nice..
I think i need to recuperate for a while and collect back my emotions before i actually start talking to her again. I've been pondering over this matter for quite a while subconciously and now the problem has finally surfaced for me to know i must do something...i don't know what...
Second was that i was so close and yet i missed rw on the radio. i just missed it by not even 5 minutes...maybe a few seconds? Sighs... and the worst part was finally being able to find the icon and after clicking on it, hear a "Annyeonhikaseyo" from Kangin, the DJ who left the studio with ryeowook and sungmin. IT WAS LIVE...and there was a video and F*** i missed it...I MISSED EVERY DAMN THING...i mean to some people it's not a big deal cause well i dl videos and i can dl that episode of it anytime to watch but THAT WAS LIVE, if only for like a second also i would have been contented. In the end, i got nothing except that feeling that i wanna cry when i look at that webpage.
Third, due to serious complications in this event, i am stressed. No one to tell this stress to, and yet having to worry and decided what to do next without even being able to tell if this event can be successful...
One can only take so much at a time...
I am giving myself every reason to be stressed and depressed and cranky. I haven't done it in a long time. I need to let it all out. You may think i'm unreasonable, i don't care. I don't care about pretty much everything right now because i've always been this nice person...so much so that it wouldn't hurt to let me be bitter for one night. I know i'll be fine tomorrow but till then, leave me alone. i need to sleep to forget this nightmare ever happened.
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